Dear Paul,
In a week or so it will be two months since I kissed your sweet face, heard your fun laugh, snuggled next to you in bed and felt your warmth. At some point in each day I ask myself if you are really gone. I know you are, but it seems like it is just too absurd to be true. But it is true, and I, Mom, Jack and Whit miss you so much.
It’s true that we cry a good bit. You never liked it when we cried did you? Even in your last days when I wept next you, you put your hand on my face and gently said, “don’t cry, Dad.” We cry because while we have joy in knowing that you are with Jesus, we have a big hole in the space you occupied around here. I know now that you have complete knowledge of what your life was about; even though it was too short by my standards, it wasn’t for God’s.
All of your stuff is still pretty much like you left it. Mom wasn’t pleased the other day when I tossed out an old, worn out pair of your underwear. And, I thought you might want to know that we've made a little “memory area” with all of your favorite stuff. We have your Baylor hat, all of your little #24 cars, your favorite stuffed animals, and some other favorite toys there so that we can always look upon them and recall how much fun you had with them. Your money collection is also being well tended to by Jack. Seriously.
Speaking of Jack, he misses you a lot too. He is doing well in fourth grade, but I think it makes him sad to realize that you are not in the building with him every day. Whit is still quoting some of your favorite lines from Nacho Libre; you would be proud. Remember last year when Whit had his yearly heart check up, and you went along to help him be a big boy? Well, it's been a year so he went again today, and boy did we need you there! His heart checked out just fine, but he did not like the heart echo part very much. We are thankful that his heart is in good shape.
We miss you at the dinner table too. I just told Mom the other day how much I miss having to answer the question you asked a 100 times per meal – “How much bites do I have to eat, Dad?” It bugged me then (a little), but I would love to hear it now. When we pray before each meal we always end by saying, “…and tell Paul we said hi.” I hope you are getting our messages up there in heaven.
I have read lots of good books lately on how to cope when you lose a child, but one in particular talked about the indescribable joy of heaven. It made me realize that given the choice of being here with us again, even healthy, you would probably stay put. I don’t know what you are experiencing in heaven, but if what I believe is half the truth then I guess I am OK with you staying there. We’ll be there soon too, and that is a day I truly look forward to.
Paul, losing you was the hardest thing Mom and I have ever had to face. You probably know this already, but there were other kids that died this summer after you: Nathan, Lillie, Carter and Caleb. I hope you played with them today. We hope that Elesha was there to meet you on July 14. It makes me smile to think about all you kids up there. Others will come soon too. I know your face will shine with a big smile as you welcome them home and walk with them to the feet of the Father.
Like I said, things are pretty much the way you left them. We are doing life without you as best we can, and the Lord has really granted us what we need on a daily basis. We still trust Him and need His grace and mercy to get through each day. All those people that prayed for you are now praying for us as we grieve your loss.
I don’t know if there is Internet in heaven so I am not sure if you’ll read this, but just in case…I wanted you to hear again what you heard a million times just a while ago: We love you, and now we can’t wait to see you again.
Love, Dad
In a week or so it will be two months since I kissed your sweet face, heard your fun laugh, snuggled next to you in bed and felt your warmth. At some point in each day I ask myself if you are really gone. I know you are, but it seems like it is just too absurd to be true. But it is true, and I, Mom, Jack and Whit miss you so much.
It’s true that we cry a good bit. You never liked it when we cried did you? Even in your last days when I wept next you, you put your hand on my face and gently said, “don’t cry, Dad.” We cry because while we have joy in knowing that you are with Jesus, we have a big hole in the space you occupied around here. I know now that you have complete knowledge of what your life was about; even though it was too short by my standards, it wasn’t for God’s.
All of your stuff is still pretty much like you left it. Mom wasn’t pleased the other day when I tossed out an old, worn out pair of your underwear. And, I thought you might want to know that we've made a little “memory area” with all of your favorite stuff. We have your Baylor hat, all of your little #24 cars, your favorite stuffed animals, and some other favorite toys there so that we can always look upon them and recall how much fun you had with them. Your money collection is also being well tended to by Jack. Seriously.
Speaking of Jack, he misses you a lot too. He is doing well in fourth grade, but I think it makes him sad to realize that you are not in the building with him every day. Whit is still quoting some of your favorite lines from Nacho Libre; you would be proud. Remember last year when Whit had his yearly heart check up, and you went along to help him be a big boy? Well, it's been a year so he went again today, and boy did we need you there! His heart checked out just fine, but he did not like the heart echo part very much. We are thankful that his heart is in good shape.
We miss you at the dinner table too. I just told Mom the other day how much I miss having to answer the question you asked a 100 times per meal – “How much bites do I have to eat, Dad?” It bugged me then (a little), but I would love to hear it now. When we pray before each meal we always end by saying, “…and tell Paul we said hi.” I hope you are getting our messages up there in heaven.
I have read lots of good books lately on how to cope when you lose a child, but one in particular talked about the indescribable joy of heaven. It made me realize that given the choice of being here with us again, even healthy, you would probably stay put. I don’t know what you are experiencing in heaven, but if what I believe is half the truth then I guess I am OK with you staying there. We’ll be there soon too, and that is a day I truly look forward to.
Paul, losing you was the hardest thing Mom and I have ever had to face. You probably know this already, but there were other kids that died this summer after you: Nathan, Lillie, Carter and Caleb. I hope you played with them today. We hope that Elesha was there to meet you on July 14. It makes me smile to think about all you kids up there. Others will come soon too. I know your face will shine with a big smile as you welcome them home and walk with them to the feet of the Father.
Like I said, things are pretty much the way you left them. We are doing life without you as best we can, and the Lord has really granted us what we need on a daily basis. We still trust Him and need His grace and mercy to get through each day. All those people that prayed for you are now praying for us as we grieve your loss.
I don’t know if there is Internet in heaven so I am not sure if you’ll read this, but just in case…I wanted you to hear again what you heard a million times just a while ago: We love you, and now we can’t wait to see you again.
Love, Dad
posted by Saxon Report at 2:10 PM
10 Comments:
Thank you for sharing this. God bless you for reminding all of us parents that none of us is promised a tomorrow and we should cherish every minute that we have with our children.
My heart hurts for you, your wife and sons. Hopefully there is some comfort for all of you in knowing how positively all of you, along with your precious angel in Heaven, have influenced so many lives.
May God grant you, Leigh, Jack and Whit peace as only He can provide.
Hugs.
Another friend who lost a child commented that it had become much easier for her to remember that Earth is not our home and to keep her eyes on Heaven.
You've said much the same thing, and said it beautifully.
Yours because His
Precious Saxons,
Once again you have led us to the throne of the Father with laughter and tears and unfathomable strength. Thank you for continuing to post. Your ministry to the world is FAR from complete and we continue to be blessed by your honesty. Our prayers for you continue!! Much love to each of you.
Out of a father's heart come pure love, pain, and hope. Thank you for bringing the world into perspective.
Prayers for all of you,
L. Kennington
Praying ever so hard for you guys.
The Pierces
What a beautiful, tender letter to Paul. Thank you so much for sharing your soul and helping us to remember the joy through our tears, which we share with you.
Much love -
Wonderful words!
Still praying and as always, touched and encouraged by your faith. May God's presence be ever so real to you all today.
Melissa
Still praying!
I just wanted to tell you how amazing your letter to Paul is and how much it touched my heart. It really makes me realize that every moment is a moment to treasure with our children, because time goes by just so fast. My heart goes out to all of you! Keep the faith.
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