Something I wrote for Anna

Our Little Dreamers

Another dreamer drifts away
"to a better place," we like to say.
The gift we were given we wanted longer
But the Giver promises to make us stronger.

Dreamers leave their things behind,
Toys, art, songs that rhyme.
Our dreamers told us what they wanted to be,
But those are futures we'll not get to see.

Dreamers named Anna, Michael, Elesha and Paul
Their loss challenges the faith of us all.
Questions of fairness, mercy and grace
Memories won't let me forget my dreamer's face.

We did not want our dreamers to suffer with pain.
It broke our hearts to see their bodies drain.
And now our dreamers are gone, and we're left alone.
We place our Hope in our dreamers' new Home.

Anna

Our little friend Anna with hepatoblastoma died during the night. I know many of you have followed her story since I have posted about her in the past. Pray for them.

A few things for which I am Thankful

Paul's Gifts

You filled my cup as yours ran dry.
You sang songs when your ears heard noise.
You made me smile when you felt sad.
You lifted my head when yours was cradled in a pillow.
You sketched a masterpiece through swollen eyes.
You reached out to hold me with hurting hands.
I protested; you approved.

You gave us compassion when you received unfairness.
You dried our tears when bravely with-holding your own.
You lent us strength while becoming more fragile.
You gave us joy even though you felt pain.
You gave us food, but you were unable to eat.
We were able to laugh, still.

Then...
My eyes shimmered; yours closed.
My blood surged; yours slowed.
My heart raced; yours stopped.
You shed your light as darkness closed in.
Our spirits broke, but yours was made whole.

Finally, you made my hope real.

Jack's Sleep over

Jack and his buddies had a wonderful time at his sleep over party. The night started at Baylor's student life center where they played basketball, racquetball, ping pong, climbed the rock, and other games they just made up. I think they ran for about 3 hours straight. Then, it was back home for presents, junk food, games, and a movie. The reported bedtime was 1AM, but I think it was more like 2AM. Of course, they picked up where they left off before 7AM!!! The breakfast shift was mine, and I cooked a huge meal for the guys which they loved (ok, so it was cheap cinnamon rolls). It was a fun, memorable night, and it made Jack feel special.

We all felt Paul's absence. He loved a party, and he would have loved it. It's been a sad day too for us because of this. Keep praying for us.

Happy Birthday Jack!

Can it be? I have a 10-year-old? We love you Jack!

4 Months

It seems like last night.
It seems like 10 years ago.
But...it's only been 4 months.
We miss you Paulie. (-:

How is this possible?

"YOU bow to no one...," to quote newly crowned Aragorn (Lord of the Rings: Return of the King) when the Hobbits bowed to him. Yes, while I am a big Jimmie fan, I was already popping the cork on a 5th Cup for the Rainbow Warrior. I'm sure Paul is not pleased with this outcome, but hopefully, Paul now has the gift of foresight. (-;

This will be an interesting week. Leigh and I are going to FW tomorrow for the first time since Paul died. We will be eating lunch and visiting with some special friends that worked with Paul for 5 years as well as talking about the role we can play as volunteers there in the future. I know this will be a very hard day.

That will be offset somewhat by Jack's 10th birthday on Thursday and a 7-boy sleepover on Friday (yes...I know that is insane). Paul's 4-month passing anniversary is in 2 days, and these milestones are always like someone sneaking up on me and dumping ice-water on my head. It wakes me up to reality...again.

All of this coinciding will create lots of emotions this week. I'm glad there is a legion of you praying for us still. (-:

How are you giving thanks? I have an idea.

It's been a while since I have brought us all back to the fact that cancer research costs money. Lots of it. Especially since so little federal money or even private money goes towards pediatric cancer research like neuroblastoma. Did you know that essentially the American Cancer Society gives no money to fund neuroblastoma research? If you give $1 to ACS, half of one penny would fund NB. ACS does wonderful things, but if you want to help kids with NB, give someplace else. I have two suggestions for you. The first is to donate directly to a research fund; the second involves the purchase of a gift to which the proceeds go to research. The details...first, I would like you to donate lots of money to the Sam and Penelope fund during these holidays - or maybe you should consider just having a monthly amount automatically debited from your check. Here is an idea, take the money you would spend on a few Christmas gifts for your kids, and all of you as a family can give this gift instead. (-; We still feel strongly about funding the projects that this money supports because this money goes directly to the Vermont Cancer Center, into Dr. Sholler's lab, and into innovative research that targets NB. You may recall that the S&P fund is the one we designated in Paul's memory. It will be a nice gift to us to see the list of so many of you that gave families this gift. I will create a link on the side-bar to make this a permanent place on this blog. Second, remember the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation's Lunch-for-Life? They are back at it with a cool Christmas gift option - a cookbook - that will help raise NB research money; click the LFL link above or on the side bar; there should be some information there soon about purchasing a cookbook. OK. Now it's your turn to stop reading and start giving.

Dear Paul,
Dad here. It's been a while since I have written. There's always so much to say, but it's hard to write it since it just makes your absence here with us so much more real when I think about all the things we are doing without you. For example, your being gone was really hard to ignore this past weekend when I did your favorite thing with some of your favorite pals. I went to a NASCAR race...without you. It's hard now even to recount it... not seeing your smiling face in the memories I just made. We were all very aware of your not being there, but we had a wonderful time anyhow...somehow. First, Mr. Darrell and I went to the Busch race on Saturday. Aunt Connie and your cousins met us there at Texas MotorSpeedway. We sat on the third row in turn 4! We were covered in grit and tire rubber after the race and smelled like fuel...yes...you would have loved that part. Then on Sunday, Mr. Eric and Mr. Otto joined Mr. Darrell and I and we spent the entire day at the track. Mr. Otto even bought three Jeff Gordon hats. I think he may be a fan now (eventhough he still calls me a "redneck"). Mr. Eric liked it too, but his driver, Kasey Khane, didn't do too great. I hate to tell you this...but Jimmy Johnson not only won but took the points lead from Jeff Gordon. To make matters worse, Matt Kensenth got passed on the last lap by Jimmy...Mr. Darrell was NOT happy about that, and I doubt you would have been either. Anyhow, going to the race made me understand just a little bit more about what it means to not have you here. We still look at your pictures and videos all the time. We have so many and I am thankful for that. Whit is wearing some of your clothes now too. It's fun to see those clothes; it brings back many wonderful memories. Well...guess I better wrap up this letter. We got past Halloween, and we are now bracing for the next holidays with no Paul. I'm not sure how we'll get through them...but we have always depended on God to show us a way; and He has. Although, it probably wouldn't hurt for you to tell Him yourself how much grace and mercy we're going to need. My guess is that He listens to you a lot these days.

We love you and miss you...
Dad

Young Paul Sings! (Thanks Higgs)