Jack's worldview

As we were leaving the house yesterday Jack said, "I feel sorry for mom that she has to spend time alone while we are at school and work." "Yeah," I said. "I'm sure she is pretty torn up about that." (-:

Alone time is good, but Leigh and I both struggled yesterday since it was the first day of school. All we can say is that we miss Paul and yearn for him so much. We know you pray for us daily.

Summer vacation comes to an end

The reluctant 4th grader

Our beautiful Paul, March, 2006

Jack counted down the last days, hours, minutes and seconds of his "freedom" as his summer vacation came to an end this morning. I walked him to his 4th grade classroom; I was surprised that he would allow that, but so far the need to "be cool" has not overtaken the desire to have your Dad walk you in the first day. That's good. (-:

Whit has missed a few days of preschool due to a viral illness, but he was back in action today. I'm not sure what he thinks about going daily, but since his buddy Emma is in there, I think that is a strong selling point. He will also continue to get some "speech lessons" on Monday and Wednesday afternoons.

As I said in my last post, I thought this might be a hard day. Paul should be in his first day of first grade today. It's hard to realize that he isn't. Harder than I thought. Leigh and I have both had our share of tears today, and I know more will come as the day and week passes. Our prayer today is that God will allow his Holy Spirit to plunge deep into our souls as we grieve. We still like to hear from you, and we know you are praying! (-:

Missing Paul

Paul and Whit, May 2007

As I write this post, we are watching some home videos of Paul. I'm sure it must be a therapeutic thing to do, but that's not why we do it. We do it because Paul has been gone now for close to 6 weeks and already his soft skin, wonderful smile, sarcastic remarks, and addictive laughter is losing its hold in my memory. This is despite the fact that I think of him almost moment-by-moment. His goneness overwhelms me frequently, and I find myself just needing him. We have lived in a day-to-day dependence upon the Lord for 5 years, and I don't see an end to that any time soon. If anything our dependence is magnified in our pain.

I'm not sure what to expect from an emotional standpoint this week. I took Jack to the "meet the teacher" night last Thursday, and I saw some of Paul's friends who are getting ready to start 1st grade. I thought, "Paul should be here doing this." Not that he especially craved school, and I am sure he is enjoying heaven more, but it did signify to me that this could be a hard week as school gets going. Please pray for us; this will be a bitter sweet week for us.

We know you are praying for our grief too. I have to remind myself often that we are just getting started, and it will get harder. We also know that God's grace is enough...just as it has always been.

Love to all...

Back to work

Always the competitor at Lion's park (early June, 2007)

I have not posted in a few days because I didn't want the post below to sink too quickly out of sight. It is important to us that you all continue to pray for us. We are doing pretty good; we're distracted with getting back to work and school and trying to figure out what we used to do before cancer treatment dictated our lives. However, we are not too distracted to pause frequently and simply miss Paul. I miss him so badly at times that for a moment I maintain that he can't possibly be gone. It doesn't seem real. But...it is, and God has given us His strength to lift our heads in our times of great sadness and weakness. I know you are praying for that.

Baylor started classes this week so I am back to work. It is odd to be able to spend as much time as I need on work without trying to work around hospitalizations, clinic appts., etc. Jack and Whit get back to school soon too. One is very excited, and the other thinks of it as Dooms Day. They are busy squeezing fun from the last few days of summer.

A final thing...we have loved reading your cards and letters these last few weeks. Paul meant so much to many of you, and that makes us feel good. Thanks also for the fun things you have sent us and Jack and Whit in the mail. Food cards, coins, and all sorts of things have come in the mail and made our days brighter. (-:

How to pray for us

Today we all went out to visit Paul's grave. It was a nice day, and we walked throughout the small cemetery looking at all the Saxon relatives that are buried there. Some were buried as far back as the 1800s. We miss our Paul and rejoice knowing that his life in eternity has just begun; the grave is nothing more than a place to go and remember his life.

Some of you have asked about how to pray for us. We sure don't want you to stop, but up to now we have really not known what to say. We don't really want to heal too much, or "get over Paul," on the other hand, we don't want to constantly live in sadness missing him. Anyhow, while we were in Denver with the Callisons, Dudley mentioned that he thought he knew how he was going to pray for us. He told us, and it seemed to hit the spot. I asked him to write it up, and I would post it here. Of course, we also know that some of you have been lead to pray for us in other ways so keep doing that too. Blessings to you all. (-:

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FROM DUDLEY - For years we’ve prayed that Paul would be healed. Not just that he would be comfortable or symptom free, but healed. Certainly the Lord would receive untold glory through this miraculous act. Countless lives would be blessed. Faith would be inspired and His Kingdom would expand in many hearts.

Now Paul is healed. Fully and completely restored in the Father’s presence. Did Paul’s life and death glorify God? Did years of suffering through cancer become a source of spiritual blessing for others? Absolutely! Over 125 contributors to Paul’s Ministry Journal testify that this rocky road was not wasted in self-pity or divine blame. The Lord is taking all of this “manure” and using it to enrich the soil of faithfulness. Beauty from ashes.

Our prayers for Paul are over.

Our prayers for Terrill and Leigh, in a sense, have just begun. Sure we’ve prayed without ceasing for them over these years: Wisdom, unity, endurance, patience, and a willingness to embrace the Divine Will, to name a few. Since Paul’s death, I admit that I don’t know how best to pray for these precious friends. I simply have no idea what they are going through. My open mouth just can’t find the right words to pray – at least not any prayers that can ease their pain or lighten their burden. “Be near them, Lord,” is about the best I can muster.

Recently, Leigh wrote in her online journal that this pain is an open wound. A torn heart that likely won’t heal. And the idea of “healing” carries the implication that they have moved on from Paul. An impossibility. The alternative is equally difficult to accept, a life of grief where sorrow can rise without warning. Like an injury that is covered with scar tissue, but perpetually sensitive to the touch, the death of a child must be one of those wound from which one never fully recovers.

At least, not this side of heaven. And therein lies our hope.

There is a day coming, sooner or later, when Terrill and Leigh will experience the blessed relief of complete restoration. In the presence of the Father their broken hearts will be bound and the tears will cease. Just like their precious son, they too will be healed.

Until then, can their suffering glorify God? Can the next 20, 30 or 40 years of unhealed pain become a source of spiritual blessing for others? Absolutely! In the words of the Apostle Paul, “For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows… And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.” Like their son’s cancer, the darkness of their “affliction” will only serve to magnify the light of life. For all who live in a place of despair, Terrill and Leigh will point the way to the great Comforter. Already they have set an example worthy of imitation. I have learned so much about trusting God’s heart even when I don’t agree with His plan, and I am not alone in this sentiment. Their lives, through the pain, will glorify God and bless others.

So, here is my new prayer today for Terrill and Leigh.

“Father, in your sovereignty you have allowed destruction to fall on my friends. Like Job, their hearts are torn, and their grief bleeds like an open wound. I know that you will heal them eventually, at the moment when they step into your presence. Until that day, take their brokenness into your hands and bring glory to your name. Let their affliction become a source of light for others who suffer without hope. Let compassion for the hurting flow from their lives as freely as the tears come from their eyes. Let the memory of their loss serve to ignite a passion in their hearts for those who are lost, who have no hope of salvation or healing. As only you can, take this ugliness and cause beauty to grow. Amen.”

One Month

We sure miss our Paulie! (taken early May, 2007, in the clinic & yes, thats candy on his head)


Today is the one month anniversary of Paul's death. In the days just before, we perceived his smell and felt his warmth. We heard his voice. We watched him breath. We helped him drink water. We watched his favorite TV shows with him. Then, in the last moments, we watched and cuddled him as his spirit separated from his broken body. We believe that he is now with Jesus enjoying the kind of perfect fellowship for which he was created. We have the hope that one day we will hold him again. We walk by faith and not by sight.

Today, as we returned home from our two-week long vacation, we walked through the door with a lump in our throat. Paul may have died a month ago, but it feels like yesterday. Our sadness catches us by surprise. We view his pillow still in place. His toothbrush. His favorite drinking cup still on Leigh's bedside table. His bath towel. He should be here too. So, while we rejoice with the knowledge that Paul is now in heaven, our hearts are still deeply wounded. And...that's OK. We aren't ready to heal, and we may never be. Pray that God will bless our wounds and whatever fruit they may yield.

Fun in Denver, CO with the Callisons

Getting ready for the alpine slide, Breckenridge

Breckenridge beauties!

Kids meet sky

The whole gang, Mt. Falcon

Whit & Claire, Mt. Falcon

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LEIGH!!!!!

Fun with the Lynchs in Nixa, MO

Enjoying a boat ride on Table Rock


The Notorious Lynch-Saxon Gang


Whit, Jack, Olivia, and Jes


Jack skis on Table Rock Lake

Some fun

Despite missing our Paul we are trying to have some fun as a family. In recent days we have visited friends and family which has brought us much joy. It's both fun and heart wrenching to be with people and in places where we have shared so much of Paul. We can feel the help of the Lord with us each day as we seem to have just enough strength to make it through. It doesn't relieve us our grief, however. Our yearning for Paul is as strong as ever. We are benefitting from your continued prayers.